Note: I claim no ownership to any part of this story. It is by MisakaLovesYou on Wattpad and if you like it, support her. I personally did not and just want to make fun of the abysmal grammar I found in the story.
While all my comments are legitimate concerns I had, they are also mostly for comedy purposes. Also, I am a dick and will comment as such.
If I made any grammar mistakes in my fan-edit of this, you may feel free to mock me mercilessly for my transgression.
Mikoto held onto the reigns of her steed for dear life as she clopped alongside Kirito and Asuna’s horses.
“You okay, Railgun?” said Asuna.
“She’s never ridden a horse before,” said Kirito. “She maxed out her speed stat, so she’s really never needed one.”
“Y-yeah… usually I just run wherever I need to go,” Mikoto muttered. “Whoa! Not that way, horse! Not that way!”
“It isn’t as complicated as riding a real horse,” said Asuna. “Just stay calm and direct it with the reigns. I know it feels weird, but you’ll get used to it.”
Asuna had brought four members of the Knights of the Blood Oath along with her. One of them rode closer and whispered to her, “Listen, m’lady, are you sure we should be bringing Glitch Blade along? She might cause all of us to freeze up or something and get killed.”
Asuna gave the man a cold glare. “First of all,1There was originally “firstly” here, and I couldn’t read that without cringing, so I changed it for the sake of the remains of my mental health. if I hear the words Glitch Blade one more time, I will demote you. Second, she could beat you without breaking a sweat, so if you think you’re any more useful then she is, you’ve got a problem.”
The man gritted his teeth. “But ma’am, she’s…”
“Careful what you say, Roshank,”2Oh, they dragged the poor human names into the bad naming thing too. said Asuna, “because I’m not in the mood.”
Roshank went silent at that.
The large forest didn’t look like3As a quick note, I’ve found that a lot of my edits are making excessively long phrases a lot shorter. This is a great example, where I changed “have the look of” to “look like”. a place where murderers would hang out, with its tall trees and wildflowers blooming everywhere on the forest floor. It looked more like a quiet place for a couple’s picnic.
“I don’t think Laughing Coffin will be going anywhere,” said Kirito. “They’re probably waiting to ambush anybody who comes after them. That’s why they let some of the others survive. We don’t need to hurry, so we can stop here for a bite at least.”4Someone’s hungry.
“Sure,” said Asuna. “I packed some lunch.”
As everyone jumped down from their horses, Asuna began to hand out bags. When she got to Mikoto, however, the short-haired girl shook her head.
“Not hungry,” Mikoto muttered.
“Don’t believe her, Asuna,” said Kirito. “She thinks that it’s bad enough that I sometimes pay for her meals, and she doesn’t want other people doing it because she’ll feel like a moocher.”
Mikoto glared at Kirito. “Well, thank you for keeping that quiet, Mr. Blabbermouth!”
“Come on, Railgun!” said Asuna with a wink. “I made it myself.”
Mikoto stared at the brown package for a minute, then took it. “H-how much do I owe you?”5I’m not sure if it’s just that I’m rude or what, but I thought it was common practice to only offer to pay for eating out, not homemade meals.
“You don’t owe me anything! Honestly,” said Asuna. “I make it from ingredients I got while dungeon clearing. Now just sit down and eat. I want to know what you think!”
“You already know what I think of it,” Kirito said as he began stuffing his mouth. “Mmmf… So good… I still don’t get… why you don’t sell these… you’d make a fortune…”6This sentence had way too many “mmmff”s, and given MisakaLovesYou has this weird boner for ellipses, I figured I’d oblige her.
Mikoto sat down against a tree away from the others. She always ate by herself when taking a break during a dungeon raid. She could tell that the other three from the KoB didn’t want anything to do with her. She opened the package Asuna gave her and stared at the large triangular sandwich with its7Okay, I’m getting really annoyed with this, so pro tip to any writers out there: replace “it’s” with “it is”. If the sentence still makes sense, keep the “it’s”. If not, replace with “its”. assortment of meats and veggies and a yummy-looking sauce.
Mikoto wasn’t too excited. A lot of the food in SAO looked good, but it actually tasted bland compared to the real deal. Although, Mikoto was confused about how she knew what the real deal was like when she had amnesia.
Mikoto bit into it, and something amazing hit her taste buds. It actually tasted like food! Oh my gosh! It tastes wonderful! Like a home cooked meal! Incredible! Amazing! Delicious!
And at that moment, a memory flashed through her mind.
“Here you go, Misaka! I thought Uiharu, Shirai, and I could have lunch with you at the park today, so I packed some sandwiches.”
“It’s delicious, Saten…” Mikoto murmured as a tear trickled down her cheek.
“Who’s Saten?”8This was a “whose”. I died a little inside.
Mikoto nearly fell over. Asuna was sitting next to her, and Mikoto hadn’t even noticed.
“A-Asuna!” said Mikoto. “Er… t-to be honest, I don’t know. Somebody special, I guess… who can cook…”
“Somebody you care about IRL,9Please stop. huh?” said Asuna with a smile. “Yeah. I get it. I bet you can’t wait to get out of this game and get back to them right?”
“Maybe,” said Mikoto. “I don’t know… I’ll be glad if I find out who the heck I am first…”
“What?” said Asuna, feeling rather bewildered at what Mikoto just said.
“N-nothing!” said Mikoto hurriedly. “Th-this stuff is good by the way. I haven’t tasted something that was remotely like real food since… since… well, er… a point in time before I played SAO.”10Smooth.
Asuna looked away. “I get it now. When Kirito said it was complicated… You don’t remember anything, do you? About life before this game?”
“Wow,” Mikoto muttered. “I’m a terrible liar.”11Indeed you are.
Asuna smiled. “Don’t worry. I’m sure your family will be waiting for you when you wake up, and it’ll all come back. In the meantime, I think I have a little something that might cheer you up.”
Asuna went to her item pouch and selected an item. In a flash of polygons, a large green frog plushy the size of a throw pillow appeared in her arms. “This is Gekota. He’s based off a mascot character from IRL.12Please stop. I got it during an event on-“
“Gekota!” Mikoto squealed with delight and grabbed the frog plushy before Asuna could finish her sentence. “Gekota Gekota Gekota Gekota!“13I have no idea how to properly convey what was here, or if there even is a proper way, so this will have to suffice.
“W-wow,” said Asuna. “You… really like it.”
“D-don’t tell anybody else,” Mikoto squeaked, her face turning red. “I-I don’t even remember why I like it.”
“My lips are sealed,” said Asuna. “You can count on it!”
“Th-thank you,” Mikoto whispered.
Asuna smiled as she watched Mikoto eat while hugging the plushy.14This mental image is absolutely adorable and this story needs fan art just so I can see it. She didn’t know why, but Railgun felt almost like a little sister to her. It was a sharp contrast from the rough and tough girl who always skipped meetings to go fight bosses on her own. On the inside, this girl was really cute and sweet.
“Say,” said Asuna, “why does Kirito call you by your real name? Are you two…?”
“No,” said Mikoto. “We’re just friends.15A moment of silence for our lost brother. It’s nothing romantic or anything. We might have dated if things turned out differently, but that ship has pretty much been left at sea. Mmmf… this is so good… so… eh? No… I-it’s gone…”
Mikoto licked the crumbs from the packaging sadly. “It… was so good.”
“Here, have another.” said Asuna, bringing out another package.
“Y-you are an angel,” Mikoto said, taking the sandwich. “Anyways… mmmf, delicious… I let him call me by my name because he’s one of the only people who treats me like a real person. And I feel that if somebody keeps calling me Mikoto Misaka, then maybe it’ll jog my memory, and I’ll remember who Mikoto Misaka is… or was.”
“Is that so?” said Asuna. “Well, if it helps, can I call you Misaka too?”
Mikoto looked at Asuna with surprise. “What?”
“Well, you need all the help to remember you can get,” said Asuna, “so why don’t I help out too?”
Mikoto blinked for a moment in astonishment, but then she smiled and shrugged. “Sure, why not?”
“Ma’am, we should go.” Roshank was standing above the two, holding the reigns of Asuna’s horse.
Mikoto’s grip on her lunch stiffened as she noticed the cold look that Roshank was giving her.
Then, something happened that Mikoto wasn’t expecting. Asuna put a protective arm around Mikoto’s shoulder. She gave Roshank a quiet warning look. Roshank seemed a little bewildered by this, but he gritted his teeth and walked off without saying anything.
Asuna gave Mikoto another smile. “Well shall we go now, Misaka?”
Mikoto spent the rest of the trip thinking about how different Asuna was acting now than when she was in meetings.
During strategy meetings, Asuna was cold and calculating. Her personality seemed to clash with Kirito’s. As a result, the two were constantly arguing. In fact, it was taken for granted that Kirito and Asuna would be arguing over seemingly pointless details.
Agil, a strong dark-skinned axe-wielder and a friend of Kirito’s, would comment on Kirito and Asuna’s relationship often. Agil was now friends with Mikoto too through Kirito, and would sometimes remark on the subject to her, too.
“I think those two secretly have some sort of attraction for each other,” Agil had said once. “Just you wait. Someday, they’re going to go on solo dungeon clearing trip together, and the next thing you know, they’ll be married in-game.”
Mikoto considered in-game marriage to be a total waste. It didn’t have the same meaning as it did in real life. All it really meant was that you had shared item storage and that you were taking your dating relationship to a higher level.
In any case, Asuna’s attitude towards Mikoto was usually on a totally different level than constant arguing. Mikoto always felt that Asuna thought she was a klutz and a moron, but just now, Asuna had treated her like a little sister. Not that she knew or remembered what it was like to be somebody’s sister. Was this what it was like?
The Asuna now was a very different Asuna from the one Mikoto thought she knew.
“Misaka,” Kirito brought his horse to a stop. “You feel that?”
“Yeah…” Mikoto muttered. “We’re being watched. Hold on.”
Asuna silently signaled for her men to stop as Mikoto dismounted. After a moment of manipulating her menu, she had equipped a longbow made of crystal. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she took the bow and loaded an arrow. She could feel it, as if all the ones and zeros that made up the game were flowing through her brain. She found her target standing about eighty meters to her right.16It could be that Star Wars was my first love, but I really like the idea of this. I’m hoping it’s used more throughout the story.
Mikoto opened her eyes and aimed her bow at a figure wearing a dark hooded cloak, just standing there.
“Got him,” said Mikoto.
“Well, what are you waiting for?!” one of Asuna’s men exclaimed. “Fire!”
Mikoto started to loosen her grip on the bowstring, but something stopped her. “Hold on. Something isn’t right.”
“Are you deaf, Glitch Blade?!” Roshank growled. “Just take the bastard already! He won’t risk resisting if he takes massive arrow damage!”
“It would be wise to be silent right now, Roshank,” Asuna growled. “What do you mean, Misaka?”
“I mean, he’s just standing there doing nothing,” Mikoto muttered. “If I were him and I knew that nobody else knew I was here, I would at least slay some small monsters, check my inventory, do something. I mean, when you’re in a game where you can’t become fatigued, or any video game for that matter, you don’t just stand around and do nothing… unless you’re away from the game – which is impossible here – or…”
“Or you’re baiting,”17There was a League of Legends reference shoehorned in here. There’s not anymore. Kirito muttered. “They know we’re here… he’s distracting us! Stay on your guard.”
The target in Mikoto’s sights turned to look directly at her. He smiled underneath his open-jawed skull mask with red eye holes and spoke quite audibly over the distance. “It’s showtime.”
“Move!” Asuna pulled Mikoto out of the way of a sword that nearly took Mikoto’s head off.
They were surrounded.
The skull-masked man dashed out into the clearing with extraordinary speed to join the similarly dressed and psychotic allies.
“Hello. Red-Eyed XaXa is the name, killing’s the game,” said Skull Mask. “What a lovely lovely day! Don’t you think?”
“A lovely day to put my blade through your face,” Mikoto growled as she put away her bow and re-equipped her sword.
“Oh, a feisty one! Isn’t that wonderful boys?! We’ve got a feisty flat-chested girl on our list!” Red-Eyed XaXa spread out his arms and laughed along with the other members of his group, all of them sounding like a wild pack of hyenas.
Mikoto’s expression turned furious. “F-flat-chested?!”18Wrong button to push.
Red-Eyed XaXa drew what appeared to be a long, thin, rod-like spear, like some sort of needle. According to the item list, it was called a Estoc Thorn Sword.19Oh no, the poor item names too.
All the other Laughing Coffin20Did we ever definitively conclude that it was Laughing Coffin? Yeah, it’s the most likely conclusion, but there was no sign that anyone had come to that conclusion. members copied their leader, drawing their own weapons and laughing.
“So, either they all went to clown school and flunked out for traumatizing children, or they’re just crazy,” Mikoto concluded.
“A-are you mad Railgun?!” stammered Roshank. “We’re outnumbered here! There’s at least fifteen of them!21Yes, there are.
And they’re all standing around you perfectly still.
Meaning you can conclusively count them. And you’re joking around like it’s funny?!”
“Oh, she’s not laughing,” said Kirito. “She’s pissed.”
“Flat-chested my ass…” Mikoto growled, tightening her grip on Static Smite.
“So, I hear you’ve been doing a lot of killing in-game lately,”22As opposed to all those killings they had been doing out of the game before. said Asuna, her face in a determined glare. “Come quietly, and we won’t have to get rough.”
“You? Get rough with us?” said another Laughing Coffin member. “Hahaha! Wow, we’re so scared! Somebody call the police! Princess Leia, The Rebel Alliance, Blackie, and Flat Chest over here are going to teach us a lesson!”23You had a brilliant naming theme going and you ruined it. I can’t forgive that.
“Blackie?” Kirito muttered.
“Say flat-chested one more time…” Mikoto growled.
“Yeah, I think I’ll start with flatty over there,” said Red-Eyed XaXa. “Remember my name, girly… it’s the last name you’ll ever hear!”24I just need to forever immortalize how horrific this line was before I made it less horrific:
“Remember my name girl… it’s the last thing you’ll ever remember.. BEFORE DEATH!!!”
Red-Eyed XaXa closed in at extraordinary speed, but before the point of the needle could make contact it was blocked by the Static Smite’s blade.
“Wh-what!?” said Red with a bit of astonishment.
“Take a long look, skull boy,” said Mikoto, “’cause this is the deepest you’ll ever be in a woman.”25Okay.
I need to let this out.
Referencing other media is fine.
Quoting especially good lines from other media is fine.
Shoehorning especially good lines from other media is not. It ruins both the quote and your story and makes you look unprofessional and like you have no idea what you’re doing.
“W-well oh yeah!?” said Red, seeming rather bewildered by the sudden burn. “Well… f*ck you! …Dammit.”26“Burn.”
Mikoto slammed Red-Eyed XaXa away with the flat of her blade before turning to grab Roshank, who was trying to sneak away into the bushes.
“Where do you think you’re going?!” Mikoto snarled.
“You’re crazy! We’re going to die if we stay here!” Roshank stammered.27I see no stammering.
“We’re going to die anyway if you stay in the freaking bushes sniveling like a coward!” Mikoto roared. “Look around you! Your second-in-command needs your help! Either you die fighting or you die running! Which would you rather it be?!”
Roshank stood up, amazed at the righteous fury he could see in Mikoto’s eyes. “We die fighting.”
Asuna could hardly believe it. A girl who refused to join a guild was showing leadership skills beyond many of the players she knew.
Kirito grinned. “Hey, Misaka, your badass is showing.”
“Oh, shut up” Mikoto muttered.28Is this banter? I feel this is banter.
I like banter.
The other Laughing Coffin members weren’t laughing now. One of the men turned to Red-Eyed XaXa for instructions. “H-hey! Boss, what do we do?! PoH said if they were too much for u just to plain run.”
“They’re just a bunch a bunch of overconfident sad saps,” said Red-Eyed XaXa. “The devil waits for no invitation. Let’s kill ’em good… kill ’em nice and dead.”29As opposed to my preferred method of killing people alive.
And so they attacked. Kirito, Asuna, Mikoto, and the others fought with all their might, their combined skill proving impressive enough to make up for being outnumbered.
Mikoto found herself fighting one-on-one with Red-Eyed XaXa as the others fought multiple opponents themselves. That said, it was no picnic. Red-Eyed XaXa turned out to be extremely skilled, managing to dodge and parry many of Mikoto’s swiftest blows.
Mikoto knew that all she needed to do was land one strike, and her opponent would be stunned for two seconds thanks to Static Smite’s effects. Then she would only need one more blow to force a surrender out of XaXa with the sword’s high critical hit ratio.
But XaXa wasn’t providing many openings. His wild fighting style was causing Mikoto to defend more then attack.
“So! Railgun!” XaXa yelled with glee as he attacked. “That’s you right? The Glitch Blade! Are you the real deal?!”30Remember what I said about shoehorning? It’s worse when you’re blatantly stealing a plot point form a different arc of the original source.
“Say what?” Mikoto gasped as she blocked another blow.
“You heard me!”31Apparently she didn’t. Hence the “say what?”. said XaXa. “Are you the real deal?!”
Mikoto parried another attack. “What the hell are you talking about?!”
“Your username… the name Misaka… Misaka… Railgun! The way you’re always glitching.. around! Academy City, girly! Ever heard of it?! Are you the real deal?!”32Okay, so at least the blatant stealing is relevant to the current plot. I still stand by the shoehorning comment though.
Mikoto scowled. “Shut up… and go to hell!“
That’s when she felt it: a prickle of danger sense, making the hair on the back of her neck stand on end.
One of the Laughing Coffin members had come in from behind with a knife in his hand. But before the knife could reach her, Roshank dove in front of the knife.33What, was he trying to stab her from several yards away or something? That’s the only way I see this working. It stabbed in to his chest and took out the remaining hit points in his health bar.
Roshank fell into the frantic Mikoto’s arms.
“No!” Mikoto screamed.. she took out a potion and prepared to give it to Roshank, but he stopped her with a hand.
“It’s… no use…” Roshank said. “I-I was wrong about you, Railgun… I’m… sorry… please protect.. lady Asuna…”
There was a burst of light, and Roshank shattered into a hundred multi-colored polygons.
“N-no…” Mikoto grabbed at the polygons, as if she could put Roshank back together, but Roshank was gone. A man was dead because of her.
“Wow, look at you!” said Red-Eyed XaXa as his partner moved to stand next to him.34So did they just stand there and watch while that touching scene was going on instead of killing Misaka? Talking Is A Free Action, or whatever. “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put that schmuck back together again! What makes you think you can? He’s dead because of you! Haha!”
Something flashed, and Red-Eyed XaXa stepped back in shock as a blade stabbed into his shoulder and sent his HP bar into the yellow zone.
Mikoto’s voice was full of venom as she spoke. “I’m… going to… kill you!“